Whether it’s because of a mess or because it’s inconvenient, some foods are simply not designed to be eaten while driving! Here is the top 5 foods you should avoid next time you’re on a road trip.
5. Chicken Briyani
I mean seriously, who the fuck eats chicken briyani while driving? You’re either out of your goddamn mind or live in that car my friend, because there is no way you pulled off for some fast food and chose chicken fucking briyani. I swear to god if you shove your meat mittens into that delicious platter like you’re suggesting in this photo, I will personally hunt you down and end you. It can wait till you’re home bro, I promise.
4. Birthday Cake
Birthday cake would not be my first choice for a sweet snack on the road for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it’s all crumbly and you’re just going to get cake crumbs all over your seat. Second, either the frosting is going to get all over your hands and thus your steering wheel, or you’re going to look like freak sucking on your fingers while you drive. Third, do you want ants? That’s how you get ants. Birthday cake is great, but personally, I’d wait until I get home.
3. Corn on the Cobb
Just because it’s hotdog-shaped doesn’t mean it’s a hotdog. Not only are you gonna have all the corny juices running down your chin and those little kernel bits all over your shirt, but then you’ve got to consider where you are going to rest that corn down if you need to use both hands to drive. The only cobb in your car should be an accessport, and the only corn in your car should be Ethanol.
2. Red Snapper
There are few things that smell more heinous than the scent of fried north Guatemalan frogfoot halibut in your car on a 101 degree day running A/C with less chill left in it than cousin Leroy after a few brewskis. You are never going to find love if your car smells like this every time you pick up a date. This is your legacy at stake, Brian, and this fish writes your future. Go to Long John Silvers if your hankering for halibut can’t wait until you get home.
1. Thanksgiving Dinner
Listen Jerry, I know it’s been a tough year for you. Your wife took the kids and left for Tom (fuck Tom), your dog died, and it probably feels pretty lonely during the holidays. But for fucks sake Jerry you’re not a Neanderthal! Why the hell is there a Thanksgiving roasted turkey 3cm away from your stick shifter? And why on earth do you have 3 plates of mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce on 2 of them? You sick fuck! I think you need to take a serious look at your life moving forwards, and dig for some real introspection. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak so candidly to you until now, it’s just been a difficult subject to approach given the recent events in your life. But I seriously think change is what you need, Jerry. Change can be a good thing. I’ll always be there for you, you’re like a brother to me, but this is a new low. Please just promise me you’ll think about what I said, and not do anything stupid, okay? No more Thanksgiving dinners, enchilada bakes, or paella in the car anymore Jerry. It just isn’t a good look. I’m worried for you man, and just want what’s best for you…and this isn’t that. I’m always here for you bro, but I think a professional will be able to give you the help you need. Please let me know if you need anything, as long as it’s not to pass the gravy. Stay safe man, and just try and keep it together.
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